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Pre-Marital Woes

Posted by Frozy on Tuesday, March 14, 2017
My life usually doesn’t take sudden turns. So this was absolutely out of the blue and did shatter my peace and quiet for a while. The shattering noise echoed across Indian subcontinent and all the tabloids reported it as an earth quake of scale 7!

Actually, it was this series of events which was very amusing. The end result would have been my marriage! Not to worry girls, I am still the most eligible bachelor boy around here. But that envious position was facing severe and constant threat from different corners of my otherwise whole and round life.

The corners from where i was attacked, were actually my parents. We all did the conspiracy together to get my sister engaged. I never thought they will turn around and use my strategic MBA tactics, back on me! Anyways, I always had this belief that my dad is Napoleon incarnated. I was wrong. He is the re incarnation of Adolf Hitler with some predatory genes from Julius Caesar. If my dad had faced Napoleon today in war, the poor Frenchman would have seen flying across the continent fearing a matrimonial with a local Indian girl.

HE (that is my dad. I have started using HE, HIM etc these days.); after conquering the first province (my sister’s engagement) immediately turned his attention to his next quandary, which is yours truly, me. When I say immediately, it literally means the next working day. It was like Dell’s service request. I shouldn’t have bought him a Dell laptop. One fine day my parents called me guffawing, saying they have created my profile in some shady matrimonial site. (I believe this marriage business itself is very shady)

What the heck? One nice guy can’t flirt around peacefully? I am happy in the bee hive, people. I don’t want to buy bottled honey.

The next day supposedly my profile generates a stir among the female community of the underworld and the site crashes not being able to manage the heavy traffic. The site resolves the problem by cutting down parts of my profile. They drop the last letter of my caste ("Nair" become "Nai" which now conveniently means Dog.) My dad claims total innocence whatsoever. Also the profile data becomes skewed at 45 degree angle. When contacted and protested the Site Admin changed my profile heading to read “Frozy - Soon to be Straight”. Still I managed to get some 6 proposals in one week. Of them one was a guy! We are still debating if I should take that as a compliment or not.

Then my dad called and started yelling at me all for not keeping even one photo at home. If future generations hold me as a visionary, this can be the only possible reason. Hail Frozy. There is not even one decent looking photo of mine at home. In the best one, I resemble a thug ogling at a village beauty with unkempt hair, 3 days of facial fair growth, muddied shirt and a Bermuda which had a hole in the right place (or wrong place– it’s all in the mind… and bermudaaah!)

As per my dad, that’s not the ideal match making photo. Even after searching my 2 dvds of fotos, I couldn’t find one different from the above one– the Bermuda was always unmistakable. So I had to visit a studio and get my portfolio done. That is the most embarrassing thing in life. Standing in front of camera knowing that half your generation will look at it and either scowl or laugh their guts out. I told this to my roommate and instead of sympathizing with me he called all the nasty ones who call themselves my friends. Three of them came down from Mumbai just to see me getting the mug shot taken. But I believe I know the secret behind getting all these responses in the site. It’s only because we haven’t put my photo up there. The moment it is done, probably the site might have to close down for posting sexually explicit material. :(

In the mean time I went to facebook and joined a new community. There I saw one of the proposals in flesh and blood! So as just as all the logical men will do, I sent her a nice courtesy mail. “Hey you. I am your ideal match. Better than a football match…” Blah blah.. She has not replied yet. Been a while. hmmm..

I am telling you, I am the most experienced bachelor around here now. What all of you guys should do is scan the matrimonial site for Grooms. No, Wait. I am not suggesting THAT. As any business proposals (SHADY business proposals) you should be aware of your competition. Sort of getting to know where one stands. You see, every day when I look at the mirror, the Shrek-Lookalike that grins back is not a very cheerful thought that I relish. So I scanned my competitors. Some were real Shreks. Some looked like 25 year old Robert De niro, all the way bald. Some I was not so sure. Some mismatch here and there. So may be… you know, just a may be… that I may not be bad-looking. May be I do have a chance after all. With that increased vigor I went to the next page of men and I cursed all the photographers in the world. There he is, a thug ogling at a village beauty with unkempt hair, 3 days hair growth, muddied shirt and a Bermuda which had a hole in the (oh! It’s all wrong) place. My Photo!! My dad has done the unthinkable. I will be damned if he was not Hitler. Napoleon must be grinning in his tomb.

Frozen Sun

PS: A horoscope pundit came to my rescue at the end. He and I successfully managed to thwart their cruel intentions and got the whole thing postponed by one year. One more year of freedom! I love my life!! 100 Rupee well spent on pundit.

Frozy’s Words of Wisdom to bachelor boys:
1. Never leave any photograph of yours at home unattended. It can be the potential weapon of mass destruction at the hands of your parents for your last bachelorhood ritual called, Marriage.
2. Arranged Marriage is a good thing. No, it’s true. You get to ogle at the photos of all the girls and later the girls themselves while her parents are eagerly watching for approval. If you had done the same thing two days back in the local market, you might have lost two teeth. Arranged Marriage is actually the “Save Teeth!” campaign in disguise.
3. Ask for dowry. It’s not evil. That’s the caretaker money that the girl’s parents give you when you get married. It’s a contingency fund to finance the side effect of all marriages, called “Wife”
4. You get the name of the girl from matrimonial site, go to Facebook, and search her out (oh don’t worry she will be there alright). You employ two gay friends or girl-friends for the job. Straight males not to be entrusted. Once you have her number start sending messages and add her to your friends. These tactics usually would ensure that she will NEVER say yes to the marriage. And yeah, don’t forget to message her “I a nice guy. Can u have friendship to me?”
5. Before going for a photo shoot, never ever mention it to your close friends. Especially if they have girlfriends or engaged or are married. Arrogance of experience can be really hurting. Also the difference between the Haves and Have-nots is always a big gaping hole in democracy. I want communism in marriage.
6. Finally, no one knows what girls really want. So stop pretending that you know them. Be yourself. Go on, be a man and put on some Fair & Handsome!
7. Avoid public functions by all means. Even if you are forced to attend, behave like you are the local goon. Or if that’s difficult, simply imitate Mr. Bean. Both have worked in my favor.
8. Write blogs like this. No girl who reads it will ever want to touch you, forget marriage.



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